So this is a post and topic I’ve written about before. This ones different.
Recently I’ve had to say goodbye, hopefully not forever but who knows, to something incredibly close to me.
Basically read Distance, and you will know what I’m saying goodbye too and it won’t sound like such a riddle.
Something. Someone. I truly truly love.
This isn’t very easy for me. I’ve tried to break away for both sanity, and just to protect my mental health, as I have been down a lot lately for the very issue of distance, to be honest, I’m broken.
I’ve never felt like this way before. I feel in a state of grief, but no one died. He is still there, I’m still here. Nothing has changed, expect everything has changed.
My feelings still haven’t changed, the love is still very there, and is still burning just as brightly as when it was first ignited. However there comes a time when that love, not neccesarily disappears but external factors, like distance, stretch it a little too far, to the point it snaps, and leaves you feeling broken and shattered inside.
I keep a smile plastered on my face, I keep going because if I stop I fear I won’t be able to start again.
I feel an immense gap in my life. The urge to contact is unbearable, but I can’t.
I did that before and we have got to where we have.
I would never regret a thing, but it has killed me, and been the best experience of my life. I’ve laughed, a lot, I have git grinned (he will know) a lot, I have cried, a lot.
Even though we were not in a relationship as such, I feel like I’ve broken from a life time partner. A marriage, a long term relationship. This is what made me realise the love I felt, when I first felt like this the first time we attempted to stop.
This time however, for both of our sanity and mental stability, needs to work, I still believe in the future we will see each other again and who knows, maybe something will happen, maybe something won’t, but I will be able to at least give him a hug, a pat on the back for enduring with me and the nags and baggage that come with me, for over three months.
So yeah, I’m not ok but I will be.
I will always love him
B x x x