Vol: VI

I haven’t done a post like this for a while.

Big things are coming. I can feel it.

Something I have always been confident in is my gut. That gut feeling that seems to know more than your actual brain sometimes, its rather scary.

My gut right now tells me one thing. After the rather bitter sweet year this was, as we begin the end of 2017 and enter 2018 in less than a months time, I feel next year will be a biggun.

This year has been a year if many firsts for me and self development. 2016 allowed me to become open and explore ways in which I want to open up to others about my sexuality. This year I explored the avenues of my sexuality, dated, and dated, and experimented with different things that allowed me to find myself. I met amazing people, and loved too. I had learning curves financially when I moved out for the first time, and also when I went on my own to explore New York. It made me realize how much I needed to learn and I learned quickly.

I opened up about my sexuality to the last people on my list and became fully out the closet. It brought its lows, but it definitely brought a lot more highs.

I then moved out and explored life living alone and then with a flatmate when we eventually arrived. She seemed nice at first until her true colours were revealed and well, lets just say we didn’t remain flatmates very long. But it was a learning curve.

This year has been all about learning for me. 2016 was the year of breaking barriers and so was this year, but this year was learning what to do once those barriers are gone. What do I do now? I’m open now, whats next?

This is when 2018 comes in.

Next year, I enter a new person, full of fire and a little beaten up after this year, but my shell is harder, my mind deeper, and my drive stronger than ever, and next year will be a piece of cake.

Next years bucket list destination is Australia, at the end of the year so I hit the summer time! Need to top up my tan that is now more or less fully gone from this years summer!

I plan to finally skydive, something I have wanted to do for years but have always had things get in the way. I plan to really launch and develop my app that I have been planning for a while and put the foundations down this year, next year the finished product will hit the world and propel my business to new heights. Well that’s the plan, but the future looks bright

The future Volumes of my diary sure look like a jolly good time and I cannot wait to get into 2018 and start right away!

B xoxox

 

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2017.

2017. A bitter sweet year for me. As we come to the end of the year, only one more month to go, I thought I would reflect on how this year has gone, and as I said, its not a clear cut good or bad one.

Lets start with the crap, then we can end on positives.

This year has held my deepest darkest moments I have personally felt. I have lost many people that were close to me. People I loved and still love. I have felt incredibly lonely, and defeated. I have faced negativity and rifts that are close to me on all sides. Home, University, and my new home for this year. To be honest since my first year finished back in April, I have felt like I have been fighting constant battles with anything I do. Its drained me, mentally, physically, financially. I just felt like there was nothing there for me to grab onto. Situations occurred that were out of my control. People had to leave, distance was a killer for me. Arguments persisted. Money was never there and whenever it came my way, left in the other direction more or less immediately. 2016 seemed so bright. I was in a much better place. I was an up coming leader of many things, looked to for direction and had people behind me. I had just became open to my University friends about my sexuality, I had a fire inside to pursue my biggest idea yet for my business and the world was in my grasp. This year, I feel like a shell of that former self. I feel like I was a wholesome tree, lived a long healthy life, and then all of a sudden this year, multiple factors have come with axes and slowly axed away at my shell and my mental capacity to keep going, keep fighting, until inevitably I fall. I have fallen.

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This year I feel, that I was once the shining star shining a light for everyone, and now my light is dim, and everyone has raced past me. They have progressed and are doing amazing things, and I’m still stuck, not seeing any light in front of me, just more axemen.

However, the best thing about being a tree, is that I will grow. I have fallen and I feel dark right now, this doesn’t mean I am defeated.Β 

This year has housed the darkest times for me and many tears have been shed into my pillow at night, however its also housed the brightest moments for me.

I am fully open, a open gay man in a vibrant city full of opportunity. I have met amazing people, some are not with me in person and are far away, but they are still there. Their departure killed me, as I said previously in this post, but amazing memories where created and are still there in my heart and mind. I have created amazing memories with my best friends in the world and I cannot forget one of the biggest parts of this year, my amazing life changing trip to New York in May.

I also met the most amazing guy that has become my better half, who I love and cherish deeply and have so many plans for the future. These give me light.

My light it dim right now, my strength has been destroyed by the axemen, but I have not given up. I need to pick up my pieces and piece it back together. This year has been a hell of a year, for the good and the bad, but one thing is for certain. It has developed my personality and make me develop a harder skin than I had when we entered 2017.

It took a lot of pain to get that skin, but I would not change it. Don’t get me wrong I have hated the dark spots and they have all hurt me deeply, but I am a keen believer in the saying that things happen for a reason. Last year, I developed my self in opening to friends. This year I opened to family and gained independence. It was never going to be easy, and its proved that. However I am going to enter 2018 a much better person than I entered 2017. I beaten up and bruised and still healing my wounds, which will probably take years to fully heal, but I think If you don’t go through a war with a single battle scar, then I don’t think you tried hard enough o fight for what you believe in.

I now look ahead to many great times planned. Developing and growing stronger with my boyfriend who I love dearly, spending many great times with my family who I love dearly and to building my self back up. Rising from the ashes an improved version of my former self.

2018 should be an interesting one. I think its time for 2017 to pack up and go.

B xoxoxox

The Thrill of It All: Part 1

I have always loved Sam Smith, from first first album, to the bond song Writings on the wall, and to now, his brand new Album The Thrill of it all. To be honest due to being super busy I never got to listen to it as soon as it came out, however I have heard snippets and loved the sound I was hearing. So, I decided right. Im going to get this album and listen to it finally! One word can describe this album. Beautiful. The sound is so mellow and easy to work to. Its a relaxing, yet powerful sound that Sam always delivers in all his songs. Two songs on this album however are most mesmerizing and resonate closely to me.

HIM is a song I love. Its a beautiful song, that really nails it for getting the view of LGBT love through song, and its friction with faith and religion. It hit me as it came on, I was like, this is such a lovely song. Songs that explicitly mention and talk about the gay scene are usually loud party anthems such as Born this Way and alike (TBH I dont know many haha) However this song, written in gospel like manor in my opinion, is pure bliss. Its powerful words, Im not religious myself but the first few lines about needed to tell a secret are oh so common in the LGBT community. The pressure of concealing a secret when that part of your life should not be condemned as a secret.

I think this song will go down as one of the greats as an anthem on this subject. I also think it will be a sense of relief and comfort for those who identify in the LGBT spectrum but are also in a faith, as I personally know no songs that talk about the subject in such an open manor as this song does.

Holy Father
We need to talk
I have a secret
That I can’t keep
I’m not the boy that
You thought you wanted
Please don’t get angry
Have faith in me

Say I shouldn’t be here but I can’t give up his touch
It is him I love
It is him
Don’t you try and tell me that God doesn’t care for us
It is him I love
It is him I love

I walk the streets of Mississippi
I hold my lover by the hand
I feel you staring when he is with me
How can I make you understand?

Say I shouldn’t be here but I can’t give up his touch
It is him I love
It is him
Don’t you try and tell me that God doesn’t care for us
It is him I love
It is him I love

Oh, I love
No, No
I love
I love
Him I love
Him I love
Him I love
Him I love

Holy Father
Judge my sins
I’m not afraid of what they will bring
I’m not the boy that you thought you wanted
I love him

HIM, Sam Smith

 

B xxx

My Oxford Street Adventure!

So today I may have re launched my YouTube! I started it a few months ago but due to some issues I didn’t keep up with it but now, I have a new fire and a new perspective on things and really want to re launch it and that’s what I have done!

Its all about my Oxford Street Adventure! Go and check it out! Im going to post a new video soon!

Β 

 

“But you have equal marriage now? Whats there to fight for?”

This statement really makes me mad. As a gay man living in London, I have it rather lucky. London in comparison to other places in the world is very accepting of the gay scene and LGBTQ culture. We were granted equal marriage in 2013, after years and years of fighting and its great! However, when in certain situations, I find myself bringing up the subject of equal rights for the LGBTQ community and getting the title of this post as a normal response from whoever I talk to.

Now this is partially true. Equal marriage is a very big part to securing equal rights and its a very positive move (Now I just wanna squeeze in a congrats to Australia! One step forward to getting equal marriage! Keep up the fight!). However, this is also at the same time a very narrow minded argument.

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I still face some stick for being a gay man in London. There is still a lot of hate thrown around, online and in the streets. Fortunately I haven’t been subject to direct abuse either online or on the street however I have faced negative responses for being gay, and I still think its largely a foreign topic to many people who are not gay, so find it hard to understand that we are just normal human beings like everyone else. I have my cereal every morning. Lock my front door. Wash my hair (Should swap those but oh well). Go to Uni. Come home. Cook. Eat. Watch TV Shows (Hey Netflix). Then sleep. Being gay is no different however I feel it is still viewed as different by many people and this is what needs to be tackled.

Education of how we live, what the different terms are (Gay, Pansexual, Bi Sexual, Gender Fluid/Neutral and so on).

We may have gay marriage, which is something that countries like Australia have not got (Yet!!) but the fight is not over. Far far far away from over. LGBTQ indivuduals are still being prosecuted in some countries, and in many countries still executed and killed as a result of being gay. Russia, China, the Middle East. Being Gay is seen as a dirty ‘way of life’ and if you are gay, you are forced to live a false life to evade capture. This is no way anyone on Earth should live.

Many people also have a bad perspective on what being gay is about. A high profile Indian Religious leader this week, said to a audience of graduates, after being questioned about how someone who is gay can live a good life while studying, he said that being gay was a ‘tendency’ and you would grow to be ‘normal’ in the end. Being Gay is not like that at all.

You are, in the words of Mother Monster, Born this way! Being gay is not a craze, a trending fad, a phase during puberty. Its not a rebellious under culture. Its life. Its in your DNA. I have always felt different, and have always known that I was gay.

So again, yes we have gay marriage, but the fights not over at all.

The fight continues on many other fronts that are still stuck in old ways and old thinking, and the fight wont be over for decades to come, until the whole world is a wonderful, accepting and peaceful utopia.

In other words. A very very very long time!

 

πŸ™‚

B x o x

 

I came, I saw, now all I need to do is Conquer

This years been a weird one for me. In terms of projects and teams, last year I was on the fore front, and leading the team and leading in other areas. Things went my way and things worked.

This year has been different. From my choice, Ive taken a back seat. Looked ahead, seen others fly past me in a rush, been frustrated at stupid choices, slow moving progress, and just not being heard. I went up for elections, lost elections, and gained an important insight in the process.

I am not the type to wallow in self pain or misery. I get up, brush myself off, lick my wounds, and move on to how I will rectify a situation. Don’t get me wrong some points this year have me getting up and licking my wounds a little slower than normal, but its ok. This verse from a song you may or may not know sums it up pretty well.

My castle crumbled overnight
I brought a knife to a gunfight
They took the crown but it’s alright
All the liars are calling me one
Nobody’s heard from me for months
I’m doing better than I ever was.

I look back on this year with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. It knocked me, it annoyed me. Made my laugh, made me cry. I gained people, and lost people, then gained people again. I found my other half, I severed dark ties, and became free. Its been a weird one.

I am a changed person.

One could say, I have a much tougher skin than I did when i entered this year. I leave a stronger, happier, and more determined person. Now my problems are not over, far from. However Instead of letting them get the best of me. I carry on. Thinking about the amazing people I have, the person by my side, the vision in my grasp.

2018, bring it on. This year I came and I saw.

Next year, I am going to conquer.

 

5:47pm

So we jumped back onto the bus at around 5:47pm, after a jam packed day.

I learnt so much from this trip!

I was able to meet a whole group of brand new people doing the same course as us, and struck new bonds and friendships that will grow in the future. I met many new business contacts and expanded my knowledge on the way the entrepreneurship course works and runs.

So the day started with speed dating! We spoke to everyone for two mins each and it was very interesting! Found my fellow tech friends! Found some people who wanted to work in space and space travel, restaurant owners, personal trainers and more. Everyone was so diverse in their career path it was very very interesting to talk and find out more. Just wished I had more time with each person!

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We then worked on a presentation with my groups question being ‘ How does a team member become the best team leader’. I couldn’t be happier with the question we got. I immediately got to work and lead the conversation. I felt so confident and I felt like the spotlight was on me. This did make me feel rather nervous however, without sounding too arrogant, I had missed it. This year I made it my aim to step back from front line leadership on some things, and focus on my own personal projects. However taking charge and leading the team, I found myself in a position where I looked good not only to the judges who were judging our presentation, but to my course leaders who are looking to recruit five team coaches.

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We smashed the presentation! It was different, we included the audience, and made it almost like a talk show, asking questions, throwing things out there. We killed it! I was worried as we had very little time and some people were very confused at one point but they all came together and we killed it!

After the presentation was finished the others presented and we gave a big cheer to the end of the day. We went to have lunch and then had a tour of the campus. I loved the openness and the size of their hub for entrepreneurship. I can’t lie but I was very envious!

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So we then jumped on the bus and went on our merry way. This day will stay with me for a very long time indeed. It was only a day, but what we managed to achieve, the friendships and bonds that were struck in this short time. I will never forget, and I just can’t wait to put what I have learnt during this experience to action!

B x x x